Post Where I Answer a Bunch of Questions About Myself

FAVORITE FOOD AS A CHILD?                                                                                                     French Fries ~ still is!

MOST #1 PLAYED SONG ON YOUR IPOD?                                                                                     1901 by Phoenix

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE INDOOR/OUTDOOR ACTIVITY?                                                 Indoor –  Netflix Binge    Outdoor –  Smoking  

WHAT CHORE DO YOU ABSOLUTELY HATE DOING?                                                             Toilet and Bathtub scrub

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF EXERCISING?                                                           Walking and weight lifting

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY/MONTH OF THE YEAR?                                      Time of day:  1 am because I can still stay up for a little while longer without it being truly the middle of the night.  Month:  July because its the start of 8 weeks off and the possibilities are endless. 

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION?                                        Bus.  Mostly because I used it so rarely and when I did the anxiety would kick in:   Is my stop coming up?  Should I pull the cord now or wait to see if someone else does?  Wait, is this even the correct route?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BODY PART?                                                                                         My feet in sandals and boobs when properly hoisted.

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BODY PART?                                                                            My underarms that go flap, flap and my pancake ass.

WHAT SOUND DO YOU LOVE?                                                                                                     Violin, Cello, and Piano ~ or music that makes me cry.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?                                                                    A retired person with a well padded 401K

WHEN YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES OF FREE-TIME, HOW DO YOU PASS THE TIME?   Reading/ Web articles

WHAT WOULD YOU NAME THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF YOUR LIFE?                             Sleeping Through It… obviously

WHAT SONGS ARE INCLUDED ON THE SOUNDTRACK TO YOUR LIFE?

Childhood:

  • I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston,

  • Straight Up by Paula Abdul,

  • We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel

  • Memory by Cats Musical,

  • Nessum Dorma by Pavarotti,

  • Summer Nights by Grease Soundtrack

  • Stayin’ Alive by the BeeGees

  • Runaround Sue by Dion

  • Sherry by Frankie Valli

  • Crazy by Patsy Cline

  • Graceland by Paul Simon,

  • Red Haired Mary by The Clancy Brothers

Pre-Teen & Middle School

  • If I Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne,

  • Black Velvet by Alaina Miles

  • An American Girl by Tom Petty,

  • Another Day in Paradise by Phil Collins,

  • Your Love by The Outfield,

  • Enter Sandman by Metallica,

  • All Apologies by Nirvana,

  • Fast Car by Tracy Chapman,

  • Undone by Weezer,

  • Kiss Off by Violent Femmes,

  • Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossoms

  • Dreams by The Cranberries

High School:

  • Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco,

  • Corduroy by Pearl Jam,

  • Go Down Moses by Paul Robeson

  • 40 oz To Freedom by Sublime

  • Two Step by Dave Matthews

  • St. Teresa by Joan Osborn

  • Roxanne by The Police

  • Still Standing by Elton John

  • Ten Crack Commandments by Notorious B.I.G.

  • Adia by Sarah McLachlan

College & My 20’s

  • Notorious Thugs by Notorious B.I.G.

  • Hits from the Bong by Cypress Hill

  • Flake by Jack Johnson,

  • Girl Flesh by THC

  • Angry Anymore by Ani Difranco

  • Amber by 311

  • Ramble On by Led Zeppelin

  • Volcano by Damien Rice

  • Days Go By by Dirty Vegas

  • Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson

  • These Are The Days by 10,000 Maniacs,

  • Boy With The Arab Strap by Belle & Sebastian,

  • We Both Go Down Together by The Decemberists

  • Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley 

  • Oscar Wilde by Company of Thieves

  • Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson

My 30’s

  • Just Can’t Get It Right Today by Joe Purdy

  • Holding on for Life by Broken Bells

  • The Foggy Dew by The Chieftains and Sinead O’Conner

  • Jolene by Dolly Parton

  • Sail by AWOLNATION

WHAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST PARTIES YOU’VE EVER BEEN TO?                                         My wedding, where I partied hard like it wasn’t my wedding.

WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE, TV SHOW OR BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY OR TEAR UP?  Dammit I’ll admit it:  Grey’s Anatomy, I watch it to cry.  Since I like to cry, (hmm… I really do have issues) I re-read books that make me tear up or cry and recently that was the Born In series by Nora Roberts.  I am such a sap!

WHAT’S THE HARDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?                                                        Usually any public speaking with an special knock out performance my first semester of college that still comes back to haunt my thoughts.

WHAT WAS THE LAST EXPERIENCE THAT MADE YOU A STRONGER PERSON?            Being with my mom for her last heart beat.

WHAT DID YOU DO GROWING UP THAT GOT YOU INTO TROUBLE?                          Sneaking out

WHAT’S THE BEST/WORST GIFT YOU’VE EVER GIVEN/RECEIVED?

  • Best gift I’ve given?   My Husband knows…

  • Best gift ever received?  The reciprocal of what my husband knows.

  • Worst gift I’ve given? Travel Mug coffee maker

  • Worst gift ever received? Jewelry not in my taste

WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST ABOUT BEING A KID?                                                               Making mud pies and using my turtle sandbox as a wading pool

WHAT IS YOUR FIRST MEMORY OF BEING REALLY EXCITED?                                    Christmas and Teddy Ruxpin… sigh

WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU BOUGHT WITH YOUR OWN MONEY?                       CD’s, gas, movie tickets, and diner food.   First big purchase was a Jenny Convertible couch.  Straight to the bar after.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE NERVOUS?                                                      Yesterday, piping up to give info to a group of 60 people.

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU LEARNED IN THE LAST WEEK?                                                  That I have to read even more reviews before purchasing certain types of books for school.  Something may be religiously based  ~ very tricky, tricky and preachy, preachy.  However, what I really learned was not to censor books for the opposite reason associated with censorship or don’t be a hypocrite.

A VIDEO RECORDING OF YOU?                                                                                                       Sixth grade graduation.. horrible outfit, horrible hair.

AT WHAT AGE DID YOU BECOME AN ADULT?                                                                               Twenty-two and getting an apartment with my future husband ~ well sort of.

IF YOU COULD PAINT A PICTURE OF ANY SCENERY YOU’VE SEEN BEFORE, WHAT WOULD YOU PAINT?                                                                                                                       Whoa, I’ve actually done this.  The bridge in the backyard from my summer home growing up.

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE TO STAY A CERTAIN AGE FOREVER, WHAT AGE WOULD IT BE?  Twenty-six

IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING IN 2016, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?                                                                                                                                      Quit my job, travel and do lots and lots of drugs.

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE ANYONE, WHO WOULD YOU PICK AS YOUR MENTOR?               An elderly lady who lived across the street when I was growing up ~ Now that I’m older, I realize how fascinating she was.

IF YOU COULD LEARN TO DO ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?                                      Speak other languages fluently.

IF YOU WERE IMMORTAL FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?                                        Meth, not even once. J/k  Drugs only if the world is ending or I’ll live forever for more than a day.    Unless pain is also not a factor there’s nothing death defying I’d do.   If pain is out of the equation, I would want to jump from a very high point.  Yeah, yeah go skydiving but without a parachute.  I would stay under water and swim free.   I would finally get past the ocean waves that cause irrational fears.  So I need a day where I won’t get hurt, feel pain and won’t die.

IF YOU HAD TO CHANGE YOUR FIRST NAME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IT TO?  Fionnuala  ~ but only because supposedly that’s the other name my mom was kicking around when she was pregnant with me.  I probably would have had a answer for this years ago, but now?  I’ll let my manager or agent give me options when I’m a big star.

IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO?             Depends on the amount but definitely buy a house.

IF YOU COULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION, BESIDES “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?”, WHAT WOULD IT BE?                                                                                    Is there anything after death?

 

List of Loves and Loathings

Loves:

  • The perfect snuggle where my limbs are in a comfortable position and a kitty is properly nestled in.
  • The feeling of my husband’s chest and stomach pressed against my back when I’m cold.
  • Kitty kisses
  • Reading a book that stays with me.
  • Conversations accompanied by wine and cheese.
  • When Bestie and I have much to discuss.
  • A good buzz.
  • Drunken buzzed conversations.
  • Waking up hangover free.
  • Waking up, realizing it’s the weekend then falling back to sleep.
  • Back rubs and body tickles.
  • Loose pants.
  • Desserts.  Especially homemade.
  • Swimming naked.
  • When my hair cooperates (on rare occasions).
  • When Bobbie is displaying her best traits.
  • Having a good cathartic cry.
  • When I feel in shape.
  • Anytime I feel accomplished (on rare occasions).
  • Clean sheets.
  • An organized closet. An organized anything.
  • Wearing flip-flops.
  • Vacations and Stay-cations.
  • When I’m tan.
  • Old photographs of myself, family, and friends.
  • Laughing so hard you cry or it’s hard to stop.
  • When BG and I connect.
  • Alone time a.k.a. Me”xxxe”-time where I pace around with headphones on listening to music and lost in my own thoughts.

Loathes:

  • Feeling like I look like shit and being a slave to vanity.
  • My thinning hair and how it’s made me cry.
  • When I’ve been insensitive or realize I’ve hurt someone’s feelings.
  • Sometimes feeling passionate about certain issues but not giving any effort to do anything to change it.
  • My boring job and my unwillingness to change it or put the work in.
  • My laziness.  My lack of ambition.
  • Being socially anxious.
  • Being socially obnoxious.
  • Public speaking.
  • Feeling dull. Feeling empty.  Feeling numb.
  • When I’m unable to articulate properly.
  • When something gets stuck in my eye.
  • When I can’t stop sneezing.
  • Being so tired I can’t sleep.
  • How I struggle to quit smoking.
  • Getting up to pee in the middle of the night.
  • Stepping in cat puke.  Cleaning up cat puke.
  • Jalapeños
  • The barren wasteland that is my womb.

Hello My Pretty

Two years ago my sister-in-law gave us a tomato plant in a large patio planter.  A month after we sat it out on the deck it began to bud its tiny green fruit and thus began my fascination.  During my smoke breaks outside, I would examine it and watch as the fruit grew bigger.  Sometimes I would re-maneuver or retie the plant to a wooden dowel if I determined it was looking droopy or leaning too much.  Sometimes I would give it a little rotation if I thought one side was getting too much sun.  Since I went out for a smoke multiple times a day, there was much study time of this plant.  Besides some window sill herbs I’d never seen food grow before. ~ As in the day-to-day process that is.

I worried and fretted about it when we went on vacation and asked my friend who came by to feed the kitties and water the plants to send me a progress picture.   I was totally engrossed and couldn’t wait to pluck one.  Even when it eventually came to size, it seemed to stay green forever. 

Finally one went red… look it really is a tomato!

I carried this most precious bounty to the kitchen counter, basked in the glory of its blemish free perfection and left it to ripen a bit more.  The next night, I thinly sliced it along with fresh mozzarella and a drizzle of olive oil.  It was absolutely delicious and the best tomato i had ever eaten.  BG shared some too, and while there was a happy grunt of satisfaction and an “ummmm tasty”, he wasn’t standing at the kitchen island with his eyes closed in bliss and amazement like I was. 

BG’s family grows their own veg, he was raised with home grown vegetables on the dinner table every night.  For me the flavor wasn’t just because it was super fresh or home grown, my delighted tastebuds picked up on the memory of all the cooing and fusing I had done to this tomato.  I tasted my own nurturing.  It’s a “first” I can savor and remember before it becomes old hat like so many other things.

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Perfume Memories

Recently I’ve become interested in perfumes.  I’ve always had one or two on my dresser and then would either re-buy or add a new one after one had run out.  I wasn’t a girl obsessed with perfumes and remember finding perfume counters intimidating.  I started by going with the familiar, i.e. what was on my mother’s dresser.  Even now with the ease of testing a perfume thanks to Sephora, I find that I just copy cat and go for what family or friends have worn and I liked.  I am on a quest to discover a couple I like on my own.  As such, I just ordered  about 30 samples from various places and this way I can try out a scent multiple times before I spend that $60-$100 on just one that I live with for a whole year whether I truly care for it or not.

As I was searching through perfumes, I came along the FiFi award winners from the past 30 years and became nostalgic when I saw some perfumes I had completely forgotten I’ve used.  So I wanted to take a walk down scent memory lane:

Red Door by Elizabeth Arden                              Red Door by Elizabeth Arden

I would say this was probably my mother’s signature scent.  It was easy to spot on her bureau due to the red cap.  I haven’t had a whiff of it in years but I know it is super strong on my nose and says lady of mature years.  I usually got a spritz of it before special occasions growing up.

Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden

Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden

Probably when my mom was picking up some Red Door, she got Sunflowers for my older sister.  I remember “sharing” the bottle and sneaking spritzes of this for myself.

VanillaFields

Vanilla Fields  

This scent was so popular in grade school.  I think I got it for Christmas and I just loved its sticky sweet smell.  I would continue the vanilla love by using a Bath & Body Works vanilla spray in my teens and 20’s.  I consider it my generation’s Baby Soft.  Anyone wanna play Date Night?

Topaz by Avon

1960’s Avon Vintage Bottle

Topaz by Avon

My grandma on my dad’s side died when I was ten.  This, some other random perfumes and her huge collections of scarves and pumps (at age 10 I had the same size foot as my very petite grandmother ~ I think they were size 6 and I had to squeeze in)  came to me to play dress up.  This bottle has been with me for the past 22 years and I dab the scent on a couple times each year.  I love to see the bottle on my vanity and am so glad to have it.

I think Charlie by Revlon, Vanilla Musk by Coty, and Jovan Musk were also included from granny’s stash and were always hanging around until I chucked them sometime in high school because they never quite took.

White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor and Donna Karan 

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Yet again, Mom’s bureau.  Loved the Dodownloadnna Karan bottle but can’t remember the smell so I will definitely have to check it out again because I’m feeling positive vibes looking at the picture of that bottle.  Maybe it wasn’t my mom, hmmm.  Probably bestie then. White Diamonds just wasn’t my thang.

CK One

Junior High and everyone wore it.  Even my dad.  Especially my dad. Maybe he even bathed in it.AQS_S371_4399S

nd.502Allure by Chanel

Probably first sniffed this from a magazine ad and it was my go-to all through high school.  I remember it made me feel very feminine and grown up in the good way.  I don’t know how I could have forgotten this one when I must have bought it at least four times.

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Happy by Clinique

Big in high school and a recent comeback since I got it with make-up samples.  It’s a nice daytime wear for me and yes, makes me happy.

Coco Chanel

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Mom had this one and I liked it enough to buy my first bottle of it sometime during my college years.  It was my “I’m a mature woman who needs a classic perfume”smell.  Eventually I realized I felt like I smelled too mature or a bit older lady in my opinion.  But all and all I’m fond of it.  Might hit it back up in my 50’s.

Miss Dior Cherie  christian-dior-miss-dior-cherie-eau-de-parfum-spray-30ml

Coming off Coco, I chose this strictly by name.  It says Miss!  It’s young!  I’m a young lady!   I remember I popped into Sephora for a quick whiff and thought this will do.  It was okay, but I never really felt the need to sniff my wrist from time to time to get that shot of “I smell nice”.

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Jasmin Noir by Bulgari

Speaking of that hit of “I smell nice”, this is the hands down winner for me.  I smelled it on bestie and fell in love.  She gave me a sample and it smelled divine on me too and on numerous occasions people standing close to me, complimented it.  I still don’t own a bottle (first and last time doing a Chinatown buy and it was definitely watered down to useless) but plan to have that rectified at Christmas.

Voile De Jasmin by Bulgari

Blv_Voile_JasminWhile out in AC with bestie, we stopped at a perfume outlet because I wanted and had to have what I had smelled on her (the Jasmin Noir) but at the time she didn’t know it by name, just that it had jasmine.  Even though the bottle was different, it was thought her bottle was maybe a special edition.  Well, it has the same undertones as the noir but turned out to be much lighter.  It’s a nice day wear, but the scent is gone way too soon ~ like two hours tops.  It’s the quickest I’ve ever gone through a perfume because I end up reapplying so often.

So that brings me up to date.  I now know I want perfumes in these categories: a long lasting day wear, a nice or regular night out, and a sultry “I might get naked later” night perfume.  I’m excited for the hunt to begin and to try lots of samples!

After typing this up, here are some links about looking back on our perfume past:  A Love Letter to the Fragrances of Our Youth  and Nostalgic Scents  ~aww yiss, Baby Soft.

Molly

It’s been a year since we added a new fur baby to the family.  After Big Kitty died, our home needed another kitty to make it whole.  BG thought she was super cute and even though I really wanted a long haired cat this time, you can’t expect to go to the shelter and come home empty handed.

photo 1(2)

My bestie “Helen” told me that her name at the shelter, Loretta, should have been a clue because she has a hoarse smoker’s meow.  We had her for a couple of days before we heard her meow, and we were like “what?”  She did not have the cute meow of a 12 week old kitten.  It took a while to name her but she was first dubbed Wonky Eye.  Just as her awful mew was hidden from us, so was her feline herpes virus.  Discharge from the eye and nose started day three after bringing her home.  photo 2(3)  She has a bonus deviated septum and this means she snores, wheezes when she purrs, and is a dirty mouth breather.

photo 4(1)She was extremely timid whenever we had people over and would hide, pupils hugely dilated until they left.  This was extremely exhausting (for her). photo 4(4)She has some hip dysplasia that caused an inability to jump higher than three feet until just recently (much celebration was had when she finally made it onto the banister) and also to eat as a Roman… photo 4and to lie in kitty rug position. IMG_1445

In typical kitten fashion, she runs back and forth throughout the house every morning in the pre-dawn hours.  Atypical is the amount of trilling she does during her run.  It is the cutest sound and makes up for her grating meow.  She also makes this guttural growling sound when she’s frustrated (see inability to jump high), a sound I’ve never heard from a cat and it’s hilarious.  Need to record it at some point.

Tail only has two modes, still and loud thumping.  Does not know how to gently sway the tail.

Doesn’t listen to doctors orders.  After her spaying, she was told to get plenty of rest.  Nope. photo 2(2)Recipient of a terrible stitch job:

photo 4(3)

House plant dirt… belongs on the floor. Destroy…. All the Curtains!

IMG_1440 IMG_1912On the coldest night of last winter, Dec. 29th 2012, she sneaked out while I was having a cigarette on our second story back deck at 10pm.  I awoke the next morning realizing I hadn’t heard her morning run and trill.  Walked out to the deck and saw her itty bitty paw prints in the snow, and evidence of her daring leap from the deck.  Did I mention the snow and wind howling all night?  From 7am until 11pm we searched every half hour.  It was so windy and cold and we could barely handle being out for 15 minutes at a clip… how could a baby 5 month old kitten be okay? BG and I made posters, we thought it might be a lost cause. But then I read online that a cat wouldn’t come out of its hiding spot if it’s windy out.. as soon as that wind died down at 11pm, I said I have to give it one more try tonight..so out I go with wet food and flashlight, crying her name, making kissy noises, shaking the treat can and shining the light frantically underneath my neighbors ground level deck… my cheek was going numb pressed into the snow for the 20th time that day… And then, REFLECTION.  I saw those baby cat eyes reflecting back at me and then it took about another 5 minutes to coax her out.  I snuggled the shit out of that kitten covered in dead leaves.

Her presence isn’t much appreciated by the other resident cat of the house, Miss Pooh.  While we don’t have a My Cat From Hell situation going on, Pooh DOES NOT want to play.  Much hissing and growling can be heard from Pooh throughout the day as Molly tries to fuck with her and catch her tail.  But occasionally they settle down for a family pic.
photo 2Pooh will sometimes give us a look that says, “Really?  You picked this cat?  This clumsy hot mess who falls in the toy box?”  photo 5Or maybe it’s just that Molly will never be this fabulous: photo 3(2)All in all ~~ we’re in love.  None more so than BG, he gushes about her, thinks she’s the cutest thing on four paws and finds her kitty personality to be a delightful surprise.   Because of the love fest between these two, I’m staunchly on team Pooh.    However, even I can admit Molly has swagger.photo 1

Left-handed Woes

I can’t figure out why being left handed is such a handicap for me.  I mean roughly 10% of the population is left handed, and they get along just fine.  I come into contact with three other left handers on a regular basis and never do I hear a complaint.  I was just at a Halloween party at Helen’s house and she had a ladle for punch, the spout was on the left side so right handers could pour without a spill.  By using my right hand to pour, you can bet there was spillage.

Using scissors brings on anxiety, they have to be super sharp and have a large thumb hole.  Your grandma’s rusty old sewing shears ~ forget about it.  Ditto with school/ child scissors.  Never taught myself to cut right handed.. damn.

My dish wash soap dispenser is on the right side which means making my sponge nice and soapy is a two handed process.

I wear my purse on right shoulder so when meeting someone for the first time where I have to shake their hand, I forget and it makes for a nice awkward shake as my bag falls down to my elbow.  Also have to remind myself when going on interviews to hold my portfolio in my left hand and keep right hand free for hand shaking.

Ink on pinky, smearing of ink while writing.

Pictures come out blurry because shutter button is on right.

Using my iPhone in the car to listen to music is a real pain.  You have to be dexterous with you right hand not to touch the wrong option.. you wanted to skip to next song, nah bra your finger touched the max volume.

Always turn locks the wrong way.. and doors typically have locks on the left side so that your right hand will have more freedom of movement for opening lock/door handle

Always try to open cabinet doors without handles the wrong way… even in my own house.

Folding sheets with a right handed person… always a race to see who can grab the next corner first.

There are so many others, but these are the ones that have the most impact for me.  For example, left handers bitch about designs on coffee cups face the right hander so they see it when taking a sip.  Whatever,  now I am deprived of seeing world’s best grandpa as the cup comes closer to my nose.  You can’t miss something you never had.  Fine, goddammit, I want the logos printed on both sides of the mug.  Yeah, and it you could put the serrated part of the knife on both sides, that would be great too.

Left it hanging…

Forgot I started this ~ two years ago.  Like my written journal, there will just be months and sometimes years that just disappear, never to be commented on by myself.

Looking over my former posts.. A few things have changed.  I have curtains.. however curtains look like crap in my opinion because of the biggest change.  Big Cat died on 10/9/12.  So sad, so many tears… so we got a rainbow kitten.  Molly was originally very timid around strangers and took out her frustration on my curtains.  Shredding them to bits as she battled invisible monsters.  Hopefully will post more about her in the future ~ not making any promises as my track record shows how often I fall off the map.

I found a draft titled pre-pregnancy that I just posted and it is now on the brain a lot of the time.  Hub and I are what is called in the biz, “waiting to try”.  I have off in the summers so we want max time off for me.. which means trying to conceive sometime in June or July(2014).  This has kicked off a frenzy of thoughts having to do with all the things that haven’t changed.  Still smoking, still overweight.  Quitting smoking is the most important, but also many other complications are avoided in pregnancy and birth, if the mother is of average weight.  I would like to lose 25 pounds before I quit smoking so I can afford the 10 pound weight gain quitting smoking usually (some average I read somewhere, last time I quit I gained maybe 6 or 7) tacks on.

Probably a feast or famine coming with posts.

 

Waiting to Conceive

4/23/2012

This year in particular, friends around me have been popping out babies.. BG and I have to rethink our “life goals” and I go between wanting to have kids and wondering whether it is just pressure to rush because I’m surrounded by the baby making.  Okay, the rush is also that turning 30 seems to flip the hourglass over and as each grain of sand falls through so do your eggs get older and more deformed and your uterus gets closer to the finish line of not having its chaotic upheaval on a monthly basis.   Then there is all the health risks that come along with AMA (advanced maternal age) and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I need to get on with it because it’s not like the decision is up in the air anymore. In my twenties I flirted intimately with dreams of a childless adulthood where BG and I would take vacations and pursue deep, meaningful hobbies, and basically not share our resources with money grubbing parasites.  However, the time came when all the pros of having kids (What will the BG/me mash-up look like?, An excuse to get out of social obligations! Someone who has to be responsible for us when we start wearing diapers again.  A topic to exchange small talk with strangers!  Life will have a different form of meaning!..blah blah.) while as I type this I realize is quite a short list that leaves out the unspoken biological pull that I can’t explain but definitely started fucking with the brain chemicals a few years ago.  I also haven’t done well with finding a sense of purpose for myself.  My career is more of a job and my weekends are not full of vacations or hobbies but just the same old routine that I feel too old for and have played it out for all it’s worth.  You won’t hear tell from me that a child striped me of my youth, that I never got to go out with friends and drink my way through a weekend or sleep my way through a weekend for that matter.  Yup, no mommy resentment issues for little jr. (putting a reminder for junior issues in general) they’ll be plenty of other baggage to carry along, but at least not that.  Mommy won’t be getting tattooed or pierced with you, cracking beers with you before you’re 18, or trying to hang out with your friends as she tries to grasp desperately onto her wasted youth.  I’ll tell you how “cool” I was when you’re in your twenties and not before.

Going back to a sense of purpose.. I’m not thinking to become a crazy mom whose whole life is being obsessed with the way she rears her children and every little thing her perfect/unique offspring does.   No siree, ain’t gonna happen.  I wasn’t raised to be the center of the universe and I think it’s one of the few things my parents did right.  The list is short for their stellar parenting practices ~ but I will concede that because of my parents I’ve always favored having kids when you’re older (seems to make for calmer, more respectful kids) and not spoiling them with too many toys or do my best not to destroy their attention spans with endless hours of gaming.  I am also prepared to eat crow for all I’ve just written.

You Can’t Kill Me

Ah, siblings. My older sisters, Bibbie and Bobby, have shaped me in innumerable ways.  It mostly has to do with the struggle to survive.  They are always bragging about what great older sisters they are and how lucky I was to have them protect me.  Ha! Here’s a handy list so next time one of these bitches crosses me, I’ll have the ammunition to bring ’em down and hit ’em with a cold dose of reality.

~When I came home from the hospital as a infant, Bobby dumped the contents of her toy box into my crib while I was sleeping.  My parents had told her they were bringing home a playmate without the caveat that it would take me a few years to grow into such.  I think she was just trying to kill me.

~When I was 3, Bib dropped me on my head.  Yup, dropped me right on my head giving me a concussion.  She claims it was an accident that occured while I was riding on her shoulders, but I think she was just trying to kill me.

~One of the times Bobby and I were alone at home (I was 8ish and she was 12ish), we got in a fight and Bobby grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and chased me around the apartment.  I know she was trying to kill me that time.

Um, yeah there’s a theme here.  To continue:

~Both have given me booze and cigarettes at a tender age of impressionism.  Probably in the hope that I would imbibe too much and have some fatal accident or just expire from early onset cancer.

~When I was 12, I threatened to tell my parents that Bobby smoked. I had rightfully earned a title of tattletale by this point but only so they’d know I meant business.  Bobby picked my up, slammed me down, and drop kicked my in the ribs.  It hurt so badly I wanted to die ~ that time.

~Bobby told me to stick my finger into a light bulb socket.. said that it tickled and felt cool.  Bitch.

~When I was two, Bib sat me on the ironing board.  The iron, which had only been recently unplugged, fell onto my thigh singeing my sweet baby skin.  Apparently, she didn’t just want me dead but deformed as well.

~When I was 12ish, Bobby introduced the “cool new thing” of choking someone until they pass out.  Well it was kinda fun but now I quake thinking about how dangerous it was.  Ha, survived that as well!

~When I got to an age where Bobby could no longer physically overpower me she resorted to hurling large objects at my head.  Most notably was the time she ripped our 13inch tube TV from the wall and chucked it at me.

~For a couple years when I was a kid, Bib drove this dirt brown colored Ford truck.  I had to ride in the truck bed, flailing wildly about and holding on tightly as she drove 75mph on curvy upstate New York country roads.  She would blare her Alannah Myles tape the whole way to drown out my screams.

~I remember when Bib got this powder blue 2 door car.. one of these wide-ass 70’s jobs.. I have no clue when it comes to car make and models.  Anyway, both sisters thought it was hilarious when I stuck one leg in the car to get in and Bib hit the gas.  I ended up scraping my other leg to shit.  Yeah, real funny hoebags.

Now there are two sides to every story and they may claim I brought these attacks on myself since I was always ratting them out over something… but I swear any time I tried to uh, injure my sisters.. it was self-defense.  I was just a toddler when I stabbed Bobby with a pair of scissors..I’m sure she must have threatened me.  It’s not like it was her first go-round with stitches anyway, she was fine.  I even went so far as to protect Bobby one time after she sought my demise.  Remember those huge rectangular flashlights from the 80’s that took like 10 C batteries?  She whacked me across the face with one and blood was just pouring and pouring out of my nose.  My sister was white as a sheet knowing the beating she would receive from my mother over this.  I saved her ass by claiming it was just an accident.  See!  I’m a good baby sister.

Full Sink of Dissatisfied

Yesterday I stayed home from work.  No reason except jealousy.  BG and I do our best to make sure that we don’t one up each other on days off.  He decided to have some drinks since day off and all.

When BG has a “woo hoo drinks and computer gaming” night, I can blame all mess on him.  See that tomato sauce stain on the floor.. you did it.  Remember when you had the bowl of ravioli, chicken wings and a big ole can of Fosters balanced precariously as you left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to the loft?  Yup, that’s when it happened.  Truth is,  it was me when i stepped on the cat’s tail and in my spastic reflexive move to avoid hearing an ear splitting howl, I dropped a tomato sauce laden spoon on the floor.  Yup, that’s the way it went down but I can blame himself because a. he doesn’t know shit from spit about what happened the night before and b. all other messes left behind are actually his.

Includes but not limited to:

  • Piss around the toilet base (# 1 pet peeve)
  • Dirty socks, pants, and shirt tossed on the coffee table ~ occasionally boxers too.  Nothing gets my juices flowing like a drunken naked man spread eagle, snoring on my couch.
  • Shoes left in in middle of doorway so that a poor, unsuspecting wife not quite awake will trip over them.
  • Weird unidentifiable smudges on the stair hallway
  • Empty cans all around the desk and coffee table
  • A full sink of dirty dishes
  • Full trash can
  • A trail of crumbs on every floor and counter-top

I awoke yesterday morning and decided on the fly that I wanted sleep. Glorious, glorious sleep.  While I did sleep in, I got coerced into helping him clean.  Sweep and swifter the floors, empty dishwasher, do two loads of laundry.  When I take a mental health day I like to do some reading, watch a lot of tv, you know ~ chillax ~ not clock into my second job as a merry maid.  In the wee hours of the morning I just thought it was unfair that BG was going to have a day off.  Damn, I should’ve gone to work and not wasted a day.  Sucky, McSuckster